Usually people tell you NOT to do this on a first date – but I disagree. I explain how bringing up this topic reveals whether your date’s a keeper or whether to cancel that second date.
The topic I suggest raising is … ask them about their ex.
And the reason I suggest raising this topic is because how they talk about their ex is how they will talk about you one day!
Cancel that second date if:
- They are bitter about their ex
- They blame their ex (and/or a third party) 100% for their breakup
- They get completely lost in long, complicated, unpleasant stories of custody disputes and child support
Interested in co-dependence?
Only consider a second date with this person if you are interested in a co-dependent relationship (co-dependency = enabling each others dysfunctions).
Years ago I had a date with a man who said something really nasty about his ex-wife. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but it shocked me at the time. He had quite the chip on his shoulder. The chip was also at odds with his friendly, easy going, dating profile (this is long before the time of Tinder).
You can’t write that!
I said something about this discrepancy and my date laughed. He said his sister had looked over his shoulder and said ‘You can’t write that!” And she re-wrote his profile for him.
No second date!
Still hooked on the ex?
- Also, unless you are interested in the emotionally unavailable, avoid another date with someone who still has strong feelings for their ex.
This may seem obvious stuff, but…
I mention this seemingly obvious red flag as some of us ARE looking for the emotionally unavailable. Even if we aren’t, if we are lonely and/or our date has some appealing qualities, it will be tempting to overlook the fact they aren’t ready for a new relationship.
Do consider a second date if:
- They can see how they might have done some things differently in their former relationship – and will do differently in the future
Basically you want to see some self-awareness and evidence of learning – some evidence that they aren’t just going to be repeating the same problems with you.
Even if their ex was the most awful person in the world – why were they attracted to them in the first place and why did they stay as long as they did?
I don’t mean to sound judgmental but …
I don’t mean this to sound judgmental (I can’t afford to, I’ve spent far too long in crappy relationships.) But if we want to break unhealthy cycles, we need to bring some self-awareness to our relationships and ourselves. And blaming others for everything is often a red flag for unresolved issues and insecurity.
Many people say don’t talk about ex’s on a first date. But I say if someone isn’t relationship material, then why wait to find out?!
Hmmm this wee post isn’t as fun as the one in my head. Sorry about that. But it’s important. We need to know what the red and green dating flags are.
I’ll share another dating flag in the next newsletter – the single question personality test. This IS a good question for dates, but works with everyone. I use it all the time.
Okay – I’ve come out of the woowoo closet
I’ve come out of the woowoo closet!
‘This’ all started when I did a past life regression hypnosis with my partner. While he didn’t have a ‘classic’ past life experience – he did receive a powerful message
I won’t reveal the specifics of the personal message but it was 100% on point. I CAN tell you he ‘saw’ a room with a whiteboard. The board had a sentence written on it. Looking at the sentence was a blonde-haired little boy
My partner didn’t recognize the blonde boy but it wasn’t him. We’ll never know, but I suspect he was my partner’s deceased brother. My partner and his surviving brother are dark-haired, but my partner’s little brother, who died when he was 2 years old, was blonde
I DO UNDERSTAND THIS IS EXTREMELY WOO-WOO!
I get it! My background is mainstream psychology. Heck, I have a science PhD. Until 3 years ago, I’d slowly backed away from anyone talking about spirituality the way I do now.
However [stuff happened] and it appears that part of my purpose is REintegrating psychology and spirituality.
The word ‘psychology’ means the study of mind or soul. However, not only has mainstream psychology stripped the soul out of psychology, it’s also stripping out the mind and just leaving us the brain.
Don’t get me wrong, I love neuroscience. It’s wonderfully complementary to other psychology sub-disciplines. But neuroscience alone counts for only a fraction of the human experience.
I now offer past life regression sessions, if you’d like more info then click here: What the heck is past life regression. You can also book a session should you be so inclined.
Lovely testimonial from Kate
I had a lovely testimonial come in yesterday from Kate Hommelhoff
“Hi Rebecca, I never had a chance to thank you or to let you know what happened to me after our parts Integration session.
I have to say you were like a dog with a bone and as much as I was trying to ‘only play with the surface stuff’, you really helped me to look and go next level during our session.
As uncomfortable as that was…. You changed my life with that session. Within 3 months I had left the worst job of my life, left the most toxic relationship I’ve ever had and then continued to look and work deep with how and why had I let myself get into those situations.
This beginning a real journey of positive self discovery and healing I guess. I never saw you at class again to thank you. My transformation has been mind blowing and that parts Integration session was definitely the beginning of it all for me 🙂
But I am a gentle dog!
[Rebecca here: I’d just like to say i/ I can show people the door but it takes COURAGE to walk through – that’s Kate Hommelhoff’s own courage she’s talking about ! ii/ I may have been like a dog with a bone, but I’d like to think I’m like a very gentle dog with a very precious bone]
A beautiful testimonial from Wonkyung
BTW ‘parts integration therapy’ (that Kate’s talking about above) isn’t too different from past life regression, but below is part of a beautiful past life regression testimonial that Wonkyung Jessica Lee placed on LinkedIn for me:
“I met Dr. Rebecca Stafford through the SheEO network. I was drawn to a post in which she states that psychology is the study of the mind or the soul. […] I agreed wholeheartedly that neuroscience accounts for only a fraction of the human experience and a broader approach is needed to not only understand but heal the human mind or soul.
I immediately signed up for the 90-minute past life regression session and experienced first hand how Dr. Stafford is using these sessions to heal. Her calm demeanor and empathy accentuated what I understood to be her love for humanity. While every session is personal, I would invite everyone to partake in this experience at least once.”
Click here if you’d like more info on past life regression sessions – including how to book
BTW sharing my work with past life regression and hypnotherapy really does feel like coming out of the closet. Mainstream psychology is very suspicious of non-mainstream psychology. However, it’s funny that – now I’m openly sharing the more woowoo/spiritual side of my work – how many people tell me they are into it too.
Not just for hippies!
By ‘people’ I don’t just mean hippies. I mean the lawyers, business people, medical doctors, builders, all sorts, who see spiritual healers. I also mean the clinical psychologists who do Reiki and other spiritual practices. But they don’t talk about it for fear of being judged.
And that’s what’s crazy – when we consider how far removed Western psychology has become from spirituality that we are embarrassed to talk about it. Enough.
That’s all for now – we live in interesting times!
There’s LOTS of other news but it’ll have to wait – it’s bedtime.
Take good care of you – you are the only one of you we have.
Til’ next time 🙂
And I’m pretty sure my contact form is working again – help me test it and drop me a message if there’s anything you’d care to share 🙂
‘Forgiveness is an act of power: when we are preoccupied with hating people who’ve harmed us – we give away our power – when we gently evict them from the prime real estate between our ears – we stand in our power” – Rebecca Stafford
Want more reading?
A habit that saves relationships (& the goss on my new-ish man) – Multi-millionaire Marie Forleo shares the simple tips that saved her relationship AND I practice those very same tips on my new-ish partner!
Share the love
If you’ve found this newsletter slightly useful, mildly entertaining, or just not too annoying, please consider forwarding it to your loved ones. Or just click the social media buttons that are down the bottom. Many thanks 🙂
Struggling with procrastination?
Like to subscribe? In addition to these … quirky newsletters, you’ll receive a FREE download, How to get the mind-focusing effects of Ritalin without taking the drug – the top psychology strategy for beating procrastination. This is the critical psychology tool I used to get myself from university dropout to PhD. It’s quite useful.