I love the sex I have with Gorgeous Man.
It’s the sex I always wanted in a long-term relationship, but never had. Until now.
Admittedly, Gorgeous Man and I haven’t been a couple very long. At the time of writing, this* is my third longest relationship. We’ve been living together for a year of the two years we’ve been together.
*(Update: I’m sorry to report that as of mid-2017 Gorgeous Man is now ex-Gorgeous Man. And I may be sorry, but I have no regrets whatsoever. The relationship has been a game-changer in terms of understanding what I want and expect from a great relationship. Plus, we are still friends, which speaks to the quality of both our separation and our relationship. And the amicableness of our separation means it’s nice not loving and losing another batch of stepchildren. Right, back to the story which has evergreen points to make about intimacy and longevity…)
In case you are curious, first place for relationship-duration is 10 years, second place goes to a subsequent four-year relationship, and there’s something weird about four months – I’ve had a number of relationships of that exact length.
Some of you will think, “Great sex huh!! Well, she’s only been living with Gorgeous Man for a few minutes, it’ll be a different story a few years from now”.
But my response to that is twofold. One is that our relationship has already weathered a severe challenge. But the other response is that, in my experience, problems in the bedroom have arisen well before four months.
In both my longest relationships, after a very brief time of living together, my partners couldn’t actually turn me on. Often, I would need to turn myself on before they came to bed. But I had the same problem in some of the shorter non-live-in relationships.
So, I’ve been thinking about the difference between sex in past relationships and sex in my current relationship. Specifically, why I enjoy sex with Gorgeous Man so much.
I’ve realised there are two main reasons. One is that Gorgeous Man has a black belt in foreplay. The second reason is the wider background of intimacy.
Gorgeous Man really enjoys foreplay. It’s not just something that precedes the sexual act, it’s part of lovemaking. A big part. If I could use one word to describe his foreplay technique it would be ‘savoring’.
I believe it’s easier for people to get away with poor sexual techniques early in the relationship. When things are all new and exciting it’s easy to get aroused with minimal foreplay. But when the novelty wears off, poor technique is exposed high and dry.
I discussed this with Scarlett – a tantra teacher. She said the lack of foreplay was the biggest complaint women had about their male partners. Foreplay was typically a quick fiddle with the breasts, a hand between the legs, and that was it.
At best this lack of foreplay probably results from lack of knowledge: at worst it probably results from lack of caring.
2. The wider background intimacy
There was an interesting segment on National Radio about how to have a good sex life in long-term relationships.
The radio segment started with a question from a young, recently married man. His wife had quickly gone off sex, and he was feeling cheated, angry, and worried.
An older man, claiming to have an answer to the young man’s problem, called into the radio station. The older man said that he and his wife of many years still had a great sex life.
He said the secret to having sex with your wife in the evening, was to start making love to her first thing in the morning.
This means being nice to your partner. Tell them you love them. Give them cuddles regularly, not just when you want sex. Appreciate them and make sure they know it.
If you don’t want sex with your partner, try doing none of the above, plus make it clear that you are entitled to sex. For good measure, make them feel guilty for not putting out as much as they ought to.
This concurs with what a clinical sex therapist told me. She said of all the many couples she’d ever seen, their sexual problems all boiled down to one thing – problems with intimacy.
That’s right. All of her clients’ sexual problems were caused by the same thing – problems with physical and emotional intimacy.
So that’s the second reason Gorgeous Man is a top-shelf lover. He almost always freely dispenses physical cuddles 24/7, and I can rely on his emotional support 24/7.
Is your partner a top-shelf lover?
Are you a top-shelf lover?
What do you think? Again, I think this important topic of sexual intimacy suffers because we are uncomfortable talking about it. So, are you happy with your past and/or present sex? What makes the difference between great, or ho hum, or crappy sex? What makes the difference between sex and no sex? I’d love to hear your opinions & experiences with this fraught topic. Please comment below. You don’t need to use your real name if you’d prefer your comments to be private.
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